The ugly truth of Infertility, Perimenopause, and being a Permutation Carrier of Fragile X Syndrome
I hope this post helps to spread awareness, that it helps others to see that they aren’t alone in their feelings, to break the stigma of internalizing traumas, and to know that it is OKAY to not always be OKAY.
I’ve come to learn that you can’t fully appreciate the joyful moments in life, until you’ve gone through the painful ones.
PLEASE NOTE: These are MY thoughts, feelings, and opinions. They are based solely on my personal experience. I mean no disrespect and am by no means speaking for anyone but myself. We each have our own unique journey and way of getting through the hard times in life.
I’ve always been a dreamer and an empath. The positive, optimistic, happy, and glass half-full type of person. Because of being this way, my mind never went to the possibility of me being infertile, or having Perimenopause despite trying for a year to conceive with no luck. I remained confident and hopeful that I would eventually be pregnant again. I thought I just needed help getting my hormones in order. I mean, I’m only 32!! Why would I assume otherwise?!
January 2020 was when I started to feel off. I had less patience, would become frustrated over things that never bothered me before, and would randomly feel really down with no reason as to why. I didn’t feel like myself at all and remember that I kept telling Nick that I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I just chalked it up to me missing my friends back in California and the added life stresses that a worldwide pandemic brought with it.
Feeling shocked when I was told all of this life changing news is an understatement. My heart didn’t just break that day. It completely shattered. I felt SOOO many different emotions rush over me all at once. My brain went completely numb to all thought or feeling.
Trying to find peace in what was unfairly taken from my family, finding acceptance within our new “normal”, and trying not to freak out about the fact of most likely giving my daughter full Fragile X Syndrome was very hard to deal with. Esp while also going through the uncontrollable rollercoaster of Perimenopause. Not to mention, what it does to your body, mind, and emotions. Bottom line…menopause is a BITCH!
I was SO. ANGRY. and SO. HURT. Having zero options or control over what was happening to me and my family is the single most helpless feeling that I have ever felt. Despite having support from some close friends and loved ones, which I very much appreciated. I was still drowning in sadness and desperately trying to keep my head above water.
I felt like I was stuck in a Foreign body and with a mind that didn’t belong to me. As the universe was throwing blow after blow, I felt like the wind was constantly being knocked out of me, and I couldn’t catch my breath no matter how hard I tried. I could hear my true self screaming in the back of my mind trying to get free. I told my husband on more than one occasion “I just want to go into a dark hole and sit there. Away from the world. I’m no good to be around anyone.” I didn’t like or recognize myself and that was scary for me. I especially didn’t want Autumn to see me like that.
My daughter is used to a silly, fun, and bubbly Mama. Not an angry, sad, and depressed one. I pushed hard and most days, I’m happy to say I was able to muster up the strength to be the same Mama she knows, and loves. Other days, I went to bed feeling overwhelming guilt, and like I was the worst Mom in the world because I had a rough menopausal day. BUT despite all of the ups and downs, and BECAUSE of her, I had and continue to have more good days than bad ones. She will forever be my sunshine and my happy place. I love her endlessly!
Now for the part where I finally begin to find peace and acceptance…
I am a very self aware person. It is something that has helped me to be able to learn and grow through hard times. This one however, wasn’t so easy. ONE thing I did know for sure, was that I WANTED to find peace, and acceptance. I was ready to fight for my happiness because I knew that succumbing to the pain and anger wasn’t an option. It would simply destroy me. THATS when I decided I had to push myself to truly FEEL all of my feelings and FULLY process my painful reality because there was no waking up from it.
I chose to use my broken pieces as stepping stones, to move forward, and grow stronger. I want to lead by example and give Autumn a Mom she can be proud of and look up to. She will ALWAYS be my driving force!
Coping with infertility, not being able to give my husband the little one that we both wanted so badly, or give my daughter the little sibling she kept asking for, made me feel broken. I felt like less of a woman and like I failed my family despite Nick showing me nothing but support, love, and understanding. He’s been my rock. There aren’t enough words in the world to express how much I love and appreciate him for stepping up in the moments when I shut down and for loving me through my new and ever changing moods. Lol
I also had to prepare myself mentally and emotionally by thinking about what it would feel like every time I saw a baby or someone who was pregnant. I had to think ahead about having to watch those around me grow their families, while knowing I would never have that. It may sound like I was just torturing myself, but I needed to prepare myself in order to protect my mental, and emotional well being. I’m happy to say that those things don’t bring me the same sadness that they did months ago. In fact, seeing little ones and growing family’s make me feel happy. I never thought I would be able to say that after all this and I’m SO thankful that I can.
Once I was able to FULLY process and THINK about everything WITHOUT it causing me to feel overwhelming sadness and anger, I knew that I had FINALLY reached the start of finding acceptance, and peace.
Although I have fully found acceptance and peace within my infertility. I still struggle daily to cope with the uncontrollable side effects of menopause, the moods swings that come with it, and the constant guilt that I feel when I’m irritable and not acting like myself. I’m starting hormone replacement therapy at the end of July and can’t wait to get some hormonal balance back. I also still carry the worry and anticipation that comes with Autumn possibly having Fragile X Syndrome. BUT, I’m learning to give myself grace, and just take things one step at a time.
The positive’s that I took away from this shitstorm was at least I know I’m not going crazy and now understand WHY I feel so off and most importantly, if this hadn’t happened, I would have never known I was a permutation carrier, and that Autumn was at risk of having Fragile X Syndrome. I would go through this a trillion times more if I knew it would help my girl. Her health is it all that matters to me. I will be sure to keep you all updated on her.
Today, I’m happy to say with full confidence, that I have everything I need. Any future we create, will be a bright, and beautiful one because we will be creating it together, as a family. It is def a tough road to be traveling down, but I’ve found that the toughest roads, often lead to the most beautiful destinations.
Thanks for reading and being along for the ride. 💜
Not Your Average Thirties 